I had a bit of a realization this past week. Myself and Mr. @AT, among others, often field criticism about topping from the bottom (TFtB). Personally have recognized this flaw in me long ago well before becoming an overt submissive and know it’s root. It stems from a flaw in character that makes feel the need to manipulate others due to some problems I had when younger. This is completely outside my submissive traits, but a personal flaw I know about. Since becoming an overt submissive I have found prolonged enforced chastity tremendously helpful and have authored several posts concerning that connection. However, even when in prolonged enforced chastity the subtle manipulation, although dramatically muted, never completely leaves. I believe I can honestly say I have found a new connection though. Let me see if I can put it into words.
A submissive man who is married to a vanilla women often lives in emotional pain. His desires for feeling the authority of a dominant women goes unfulfilled as his vanilla partner almost without exception, expresses herself according to her underlying persona. This vacuum causes torment and I feel be honestly described as emotional torture. I believe many submissive men who have been subject to this situation will agree. Masochistic pleasure can be used to channel this into a form of contentment, but just like the submissive man being whipped, he too will cry out when the emotional pain becomes too severe and in this case the form of his crying out will be TFtB.
As an example, a few weeks ago I authored a post about feeling neglected concerning my submissive service. My wife is busy with a new job and also training for and completing a triathlon. I was rightly criticized by her and others for bringing to the surface forbidden fruit of my cuckold desires. She had shared a cuckold dream with me earlier, but had qualified the telling it to me with not bringing the subject up in response. I failed to maintain this requirement during my feeling of neglect. I was rightly at fault of topping from the bottom.
I am not justifying the fault, but do feel it is fair to compare it to the submissive man being beat who is told not to cry-out. There comes a point of pain where the body just reacts. So too with the emotional torture a submissive man feels who lives with a vanilla women.
For my wife and me the answer is honest communication. I admit my fault. She admits my neglect in catering to her vanilla tendencies in absence of my need to feel her dominance over me. Our most recent discussion was concerning ways this can be accommodated in her new very busy lifestyle, now that she is working so much. We seem to still be searching for a new mutually beneficial method which will allow us to again be content. I am now past my three week mark of chastity and I have that working in my favor too.
15 comments:
Good post Mr SH. Not surprisingly, I sympathise with your predicament. At least you have communication with your wife and therefore stand a much better chance of reaching a compromise. I often TFTB, albeit in some very subtle ways, but also more blatantly at times.
This more often than not stems from situations where I am aroused or stimulated by reading something that I see or read about on the Internet. This leads me to want Jane to express her more dominant side, seeking that elusive acknowledgment that Jane does indeed want to encourage my submission.
You are quite right in that TFTB is almost like a cry for help.
Mr. @AT,
Thank you for taking the time to post a comment.
I do see it the same as a submissive man being subject to physical pain being told not to yelp. We may be able to internalize the emotional pain for a period, but the pain exists and will have an effect over time as the torture goes unabated. This well know effect is often cited as a form of overt punishment. Ms. Rika among others. The pain is very real and keeping silent being the goal is increasingly elusive as the level of pain increases, IMHO.
Sincerely,
-SH
You may or maynot post this but...
It appears to me and has for some time that both you and aat live submissive life's but have very vanilla wifes that really don't want to engage in any real form of a FLR. They may throw you a bone here and there but the bottom line is that other than allowing you do take the majority of the workload, you have very vanilla lifes.
You can color it anyway you like but it appears thru your own writing this is not a true form of a FLR and your desires and wants are not those of your wifes.
Sorry but I'm just calling it as I see it. Perhaps it's time to acccept the fact the this is little more than a bedroom game for her and your desires will continue to go unforfilled. Besides, in a true FLR, it's not your desires but hers that should matter and it appears she has no such desire.
Queen Goddess,
Hello, and thank you so much for the comment.
Yes, I can not speak for Mr. @AT, but in my case it is very much (if not exactly) as you describe. My wife often neglects my need to feel her authority and provide the leadership role a WLM casts for her. In my case, it has evolved not into a bedroom game. Truth be told I am without access to my pay, I do all the housework, and remain in enforced chastity. This is all well and good, but the absence of my wife fulfilling the need (and it is a need in all the books I have read) of feeling her dominance causes me emotional pain. All the literature warns against neglecting this need and my post is an attempt to echo the warning through my own experience. A vanilla women who gravitates to neglecting her dominant role ends up with a submissive husband in emotional pain. This may be fine, but him crying out should be expected as his pain becomes too much. For some sadistic women, this may be of enjoyment. Most would find themselves in such a situation from simply gravitating to their vanilla traits. Of these, the ones who are aware of the pain they are causing probably simply do not care. The ones who do not will be confused as to why their submissive husbands are behaving poorly, and probably just chalk it up as them being strange.
Accepting the gift of submission does not grant a free ticket, according to Ms. Rika. It does require the obligation of assuming a stance of dominance. The absence of which is cause of great emotional pain, leading to a disintegrating of the WLM or D/s dynamic.
Again, I thank you for the comment.
-Respectfully,
-SH
You hit the nail on the head. What you have is neglect and and a wife that either takes advantage of your submissive nature or exploits it for her benefit.
From following your blog it appear that you will never have the FLR you seek in your present marriage.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. Perhaps it's time to try something different. Instead fo picking up the slack and doing all that you do maybe it is time to show your wife what a normal marriage is and split the chores and work load up evenly. Sometimes people don't realize what they have until they don't have it.
I would also jetison the chasity device as it seems obvious to me that the only reason your wife cares if you wear it is that it's less for her to deal with.
Nothing is changing. Your posts echo that. Either decide to accept this for what it is and live unfulfilled or take steps to change it. Myabe if you wife has to live like a normal wife and do her share of the work she will realize that what she had was worth some effort on her part.
Queen Goddess,
Why thank you for the nice acknowledgement of accurately being honest. I find doing so is a learnt skill that takes time to develop.
I would agree with you, but I feel you do not have a full and accurate picture by just reading the blog posts. The conversation about ending the D/s relationship and going back to an egalitarian one has been discussed. I too have noticed my wife’s vanilla nature contrary to the D/s dynamic and offered for her to put the whole thing in the past. She decided to give it more time though. There are still periods of neglect for sure, but there are some signs of her embracing a dominant stance too. For instance, this weekend she was sincerely upset with me for not responding to one of her requests promptly. She responded about two hours later with a requirement of me doing 150 lines of “I will do what my wife says” hand written. Also, she now often enjoys me to kneel in front of her while she speaks to me. There does seem to be some progress in her embracing a dominant stance with me. I do think it would be premature to cut off my chastity device and revert back to an egalitarian stance with her.
I hope you understand.
Sincerely,
-SH
Queen Goddess – maybe I can’t colour my own FLR in the with a full set of colours, but I can certainly shade many areas in in pencil, and as time goes by add a few colours every now and then. Of course, I may never have a masterpiece but you never know.
I do accept that my FLR is not all that I wish for right now, but equally having come so far, I would not wish to give it up and return to what we had before.
Whenever you discuss things FLR or WLM, it is very difficult to argue that the woman’s desires should not come first, and that of the submissive males be almost inconsequential in comparison. In common with almost every other aspiring submissive husband seeking a WLR, both Mr SH and myself are seeking more from our wives than they currently prepared to offer us. Obviously I can’t speak for Mr SH’s wife, but Jane is certainly not into being the dominant partner that I would have her be, she is however, prepared to me submit to her whenever she chooses to use her feminine sexuality and my willingness to serve her.
As with most things in life, nothing is ever perfect, and our WLR is no different. It has, however, grown in such a way that I believe that we have reached a compromise situation, a starting point, if you like. I can only really see this going one way, as Jane becomes more accustomed to my devoted attention and as she becomes ever confident and comfortable with taking the dominant role in our relationship.
A wife should always find a little way to remind a husband that he is collared and leashed. A quick inspection of his housework is a good, simple, and effective way to tug on the leash. If something is not done to her likeing, it needs to be done over again.
If you make a grocery shoping together have him carry your purse. Above all a man always needs to understand that you are the authority figure in his life.
If nothing else at the end of the day take five minutes for the two of you to be alone. Have your man kneel, talk to him, and remind him that he is your property. Remind that his obedience is important to you. If only for a couple of minutes there should never be a day in whcih a husband does not kneel at his wife's feet.
Tuging on the leash does not take time. It is more a matter of attitude. A good, solid femdom marraige will give a wife more time to do the things she wants to do.
Love you, Kathy
Mistress Kathy,
That would be wonderful. I hope my wife takes your advice.
We too were looking for ways that integrate into the daily grind that demonstrate her dominant stance. I get the feeling she is experimenting to find ones she can honestly say she enjoys so they do not come across as fake.
-SH
S-H
I would like to share a cute story with you. This comes from John.
Last year John and our son-in-law were home alone watching a game.
As he often does when he is watching a game, John will use the time to do a load or two of laundry, and fold things while the game is on.
On this day John was folding towells. Our son-in-law jumped up, and asked John to show him his mthod of folding. John laughed, and said something like why? He replied that Becky likes the way you fold towells, and wants me to learn how you do it.
This is a simple little story, but it illustrates a point. A man should always remember that it is his wife's house hold, and he shoul do things her way. It comes all the way down to how she wants the towells and sheets folded, to how she wants he underwear placed in the draw.
John cleans the bathrooms on Saturday. How long does it take me to inspect the bathrooms to make sure they are clean, and the towells are folded the way I like.
A 'good boy' is his only reward, but a wife needs to understand that a simple reward like a 'good boy' means a great deal to a man.
Kathy
Mistress Kathy,
Yes, that would be a delight. I do agree that small token gestures go a long way to display dominance. Thank you.
-SH
SH,
I enjoyed reading this post as your situation is similar to mine in many ways. I enjoyed the conversation even more as the dialog of Dommes perspective is always helpful.
I have one comment. Do you really feel that you are experiencing emotional 'pain' or do you feel that a better descriptor would be emotional 'disappointment'? I cringed a bit at the word pain as it seemed a bit over the top with respect to the parallel you were depicting with the beating analogy.
I think in our present life we elevate emotions when in reality they aren't that big of deal in the scope of what really qualifies as 'pain'. Just a thought for considieration
Mr. IH,
Hello and great comment. Your question is am I over amplifying the discontent caused from submissive neglect. Let me see if I can restate my view.
The two D/s books that are written for vanilla audiences, Ms Rika’s Uniquely Rika & Ken Addison’s Around Her Finger, both warn against submissive neglect. The dynamic of the dominant is a necessary component. The application can be customized, but it is in the two author’s opinions an absolute need. This is often restated in the blog-o-sphere as the one true “need” of a submissive. They absolutely must feel the tug of the preverbal leash. The absence of which leads to a breakdown in the dynamic. As a male submissive, I feel I am accurate in saying the absence of this is akin to emotional torture. In fact, many suggest it as a form of overt punishment, Ms. Rika included.
So, having experienced the effect first hand I can say a submissive man offering a gift of submission and it being overtly accepted being left without the need fulfilled from his dominant partner is emotional torture. Further, asking him to not cry out under penalty of punishment makes the situation worse. As an analogy, I tell my wife I would like to switch to drinking water only. She agrees, but turns off the water main to the house and does not let me leave and tells me to never ask her for water in any form. I will begin to get very thirsty. Eventually, I will be in a very desperate situation. I will either demand to go back to drinking soda and juice, or ask my wife fulfill her obligation of giving me water to drink. To liken it to torture I do not consider a exaggeration, both from my personal experience and the cited references indicating its use as a punishment. You are free to hold a different view.
Again, thank you for taking the time to comment.
-SH
S-H,
Would you please tell your wife I am very sorry (for both of you, actually, but more for her), and give her my e-mail address in case she would like to talk.
Thank you
Tamara
Ms. Tamara,
I will be happy to. She always is looking for new friends.
I fear I may have cast an impression that my wife and I are currently on the verge of a collapse of our D/s dynamic. If this be the case, I am sure it is due to my poor communication. We are actually in a rather good space and are getting ready to celebrate our youngest son’s seventh birthday this weekend.
The post is an attempt to document the emotional torture a submissive man goes through when subjected to submissive neglect. Also, when a submissive man in such a situation participates in TFtB, it is in fact akin to a man being whipped crying out in pain. I find the analogy accurate. This is not to say my wife is not fulfilling her dominant role in the relationship. There have been periods where she has lapsed into neglect, but currently she seems to be dominantly engaged.
I will do as you request and forward your e-mail to my wife.
Sincerely,
-SH
Post a Comment